Match report 27th June 2007

Melee vs Harlow FC

Another first place vs second place battle saw Melee playing rivals Harlow FC, who had followed them up from the Championship the previous year.
With another early start due to European television rights Melee struggled to field a team and almost had to forfeit the game. Fans breathed a sigh of relief as half the squad turned up just in time to kick off.
Melee looked tense at the start of the game and were not flowing as they have in previous matches. Keeper Kevin Webb was tested with a few negligible shots before Melee found the net. Foreign import Samuel Amorim received the ball on the right side of the box and calmly brushed a left footed shot past Harlow keeper, off the post and into the net. One nil.
The second half saw subs disrupting Melee’s fluidity slightly and Webb was given some harder challenges to deal with. A Harlow striker found himself in plenty of space, directly in front of goal, twice in the space of five minutes. However, the mind games of Webb forced the nervous attacker to place the ball into the arms of the Melee goalie. Harlow drew a freekick out of Melee, which was taken quickly and surprised all, apart from a Harlow forward who slotted the ball into the corner of the goal. At the other end of the pitch Samuel and Goulding were starting to link well. Samuel found himself on the touchline and managed to drive a cross into the box where Goulding headed past the Harlow keeper. The pair connected again for the third goal as Goulding played a ball across the face of goal for a Samuel tap in. Fans looked both shocked and delighted that the Brazilian had finished from three yards out. Harlow did not look too shaken by the three one defeat apart from one player who had taken hits to the face and the nuts during the game. It was speculated after the match that the red stripes of blood running down his shirt were a deliberate sign to the Harlow manager that the player wanted to move to Melee.
Man of the Match: Kevin Webb, for some great saves and a superb volley towards the end of the match

Team line Ups:
Melee
Webb, Singlehurst, Tafe, Porter, Couper, Goulding, Samuel
Goals: Samuel 2, Goulding 1
Harlow FC
Keeper, Little skinny guy, Little skinny guy clone, Fat Bloodie guy, Two randoms
Goals: Fat Bloodie guy

Speculation

• Pharmaceutical company Sigma-Aldridge announced their delight in the success of the drug treatment that allowed Samuel to net a tap in. A spokesman for the company stated “Previous trials on Kieran Richardson and Jermaine Jenas were not successful so we are very happy that this new solution has worked so well”
• Melee are already talking about fielding a reserve team for the last match of the season against School Girls Rock FC. A win for The Girls could save them relegation.
• David Couper has been linked with a €12.3 million move to Barcelona. The player stated “I’m Melee through and through, I couldn’t leave the club even if I wanted to.”
• Melee players will don a black arm band in their game against The Hurracaines in remembrance of Arthur Francis. The avid fan had a heart attack due to the surprise of his favourite player, Peter Goulding, scoring a header.
• Justin Singlehurst is rumoured to have been invited to be a part of next year’s ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of here.’

Golden boot award
Goulding 8
Samuel 7
Porter 3
Tafe 2
Webb 1
Singlehurst 0
Couper 0

Title winning loosers

Giles Grimandi looks like he could be named Arsenal's Director of football, I dunno what is going on there. I just his management is better than his tackling. Anyway I was having this discussion with Dave and Al about who the worst player to ever win a Premeirship title is. My opinion is that you cant get a lot worse than Giles who won 2 doubles?????
Any thoughts

Potential is one thing.....ability another

With Manchester United starting the summers frenzied transfer activity by splashing out over £30 million on two unproven youngsters, I thought it worthwhile to have a look at some of the biggest transfer flops of the premiership

Francis Jeffers was signed by Arsenal for a whopping £10 million. Awful, awful player. Remembered more for that horrific dive, than for his footballing ability. Now plys his trade with Ipswich Town

George Weahs cousin. Signed by Souness for southampon, and boasting the same blood line as the former World Footballer of the Year, he was played without having been properly assessed. He had what must be the shortest career in football. Having come on as a second half substitute, he was subbed back off after about 12 minutes. He now lives as a nomad liberia.

Next inline is Massimo Taibi. *THAT* goal from le tissier that went through his legs saw his united career cut short. Off he went.

Stan collymore. Three times a bad signing. The worst must have been alaves though who paid him a huge signing on fee, and then he retired without playing a month of football.

veron. again a reoffender. 48 million pounds have been spent on this guy buy united and chelsea. and he wasn't worth a quarter of it.

he waddles when he runs. he tries when he defends. titus bramble.

Finally, I'll leave you with one of the many many houllier signings who arrived over his liverpool tenure. He signed so many players and lavished them with hype that they could not reach. Bruno Cheyrou, signed for 4million(?) and dubbed the next zidane by gerard houllier.

More banter

Seeing there are quite a few of us with jobs that allow for a lot of web surfing time I think we need a lot more banter on the melee blog. I read in the paper that youtube is overtaking bbc.co.uk in UK hits so I think that needs to be our goal. Check puremelee then bbc.co.uk. Maybe more controversial posts need to be made. Rossi to replace Henry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Match report 20th June 2007

Welwyn Pressive vs Melee

Melee were looking forwards to this ealy game after almost drowning in their own tiredness in the previous week. A late minute draft saw Edward Wilkinson replacing Kevin Webb in goal and the still injured Webb looking at a role at the front. Fans were scared, and cries of "What the **** is he doing outfield" could be heard from the stands. However, the early start meant the Wilko was nowhere to be seen and Webb took up his usuall role as keeper.
The match started off five on five and looked fairly even. Pressive took the early initiative with a good move a quick shot that everyone watched bounce firmly off the post.
5 minutes had been played before both teams brought on their sixth man. Webb looked extatic as he took of the goalie gloves and wandered up the pitch. Play soon quickened up and Melee found a lot of space, Goulding playing a "holding" midfield role waltzed up the pitch and had a snap shot with his left which managed to find the net, one nil. Pressive heads went down as Melee threaded passes throughout the midfield. Samuel Amorim, playing a free role, linked well with Webb in a move that ended with Webb curling one past the keeper and brushing the cross bar. Soon after this Webb finished calmly to put Melee two goals up, he quickly rushed over to the stands and was heard to say "That's what the **** I'm doing outfield".
Things didnt die down in the second half Welwyn's key man drifted past Goulding who managed only to take the players shoe off. With his right foot's new found freedom the forward took a pot shot which looped and dipped into the Melee goal. Melee's answer saw 'rock' Justyn Singlehurst play a beautiful ball through four players to the advancing Goulding who took it round the keeper for his second. At this point Pressive hearts collapsed and Melee engaged the cruise control. A great passing display opened up a lot of space for Melee and saw Tafe free on the left to have a few shots. A well worked move gave Samuel an open goal, which somehow got saved, many threats were directed at the Brasilian by team mates, which fired the forward to launch an incredible curling shot into the top corner of the goal. Another goal from Samuel and one more from Goulding secured a 6-1 win.
Man of the match: Justyn Singlehurst put in a solid display digging Melee out of some tricky spots and generally marking like a high rate school teacher.
Miss of the match: Has to go to Samuel, thankfully he makes up for it by being ridiculously good looking.

Team line Ups:
Melee
Wilkinson, Singlehurst, Tafe, Goulding, Samuel, Webb
Goals: Goulding 3, Samuel 2, Webb
Welwyn Pressive
Keep, Some guy, Other guy, Ginga, Yellow shirt guy, Token black guy
Goals: Ginga


Speculation

• Kevin Webb's grin after the game suggests that he may not want to ever play in goal again. In a later interview he stated "I have a new found respect for keepers."
• Perhaps prematurly looking at the Premiership trophy, arguments have arisen in the Melee camp about where the trophy will be kept. Last years trophy is being monitored by £125,000 worth of Singlehurst security equipment. The player is said to have gotten paranoid when a team mate looked at the trophy for too long. The new trophy may be given to the golden boot winner.
• David Couper's loan deal to Lolliondo Cubs is set to end this week.
• Andrew Porter is recovering from an ear ache given to him by frustrated parents but should make it back for the next match against second place Harlow FC.
• It has been leaked that Samuel Amorim will be given a controversial drug treatment to stop his legs shaking when he gets infront of goal.
• Melee are putting in a £1,250,000 bid for Wigan keeper Chris Kirkland who is restless after speculation that his club are to sign Carlo Nash. Webb has put his full backing behind this offer.
• The big question for now is 'Will Porter and Couper find their places when they return to the team?' A survey of 100 fans showed that 53% thought that neither would start in their next match, 35% thought that one of the pair would start and 12% did not know who Porter and Couper were. One fan said "I thought that they were the team mascots"

Golden boot award
Goulding 7
Samuel 5
Porter 3
Tafe 2
Webb 1
Singlehurst 0
Couper 0