Player Profile : Fabio

Profiling potentially Melee's best ever signing Fabio Zucchelli is not a simple job. Fab signed in the lower legues of the Westminster championships after being picked up for an absolute bargain, proving an instant hit with both fans and players. This super keeper often referred to as 'the cat' set the bar high he delivered consistenly ever since helping Melee to 4 title winning seasons, proving the platform of security that Melee lacked for so many seasons in past eras. The shot to goal ration from the opposition is always low thanks to his cultered keeping ability and desire to pull off that champagne saving moment. Hopefully the future will continue to be bright and he will sign that life time term contract that is on the table. Name: Fabio Zucchelli Nickname: The Cat, Fab Position: Keeper Age: 26 Height: 6"2 Foot: Hands Favourite Team: Man United Seasons: 6 Games: 40 Melee Goals: 1 Shots Saved: 8,743 Skills: Shot Stopping, Diving (in a good way), Positioning, Chat, Flair, Italianess

Melee emphatically smash Cervix, lose interest after penetrating for 15 minutes and leave unsatisfied with premature performance

The last game of the season dawned on the mighty Melee with the opportunity to claim automatic Champions League qualification up for grabs. The pre-game pub training camp revealed the opposition’s preparatory tactics, which took its inspiration from professional athletes: drinking lager. Yep, Andy Fordham was a professional athlete. Fact. Once all members of Melee had reluctantly dragged themselves away from the Germany Holland match and things kicked off, the team started pretty well, zipping the ball around with assurance. Dave returned to action at the last minute due to Adam’s work operating in a US time zone. The all-action Melee maestro had been missed and was welcomed back after an ankle injury, particularly after guaranteeing a goal scoring return to play. Melee continued to dominate Her Majesty in a way only Prince Phillip could claim to have acheived, and soon Jack slotted in a neat close range finish after excellent build up play. One became two shortly afterwards, Jack firing a cleanly struck shot from the right into the far post after good work from Pils, Dave and Foz (I’m not going to lie, I can’t remember who passed to who, but I’m sure you all played a vital role). A third followed, Jack bagging a hat trick after intricate build up play from, um, Pils, Dave and Foz. By this point Her Majesty’s Cervix were so exposed her uterus was practically showing, but they did test Melee’s defence from time to time, and Fabio The Cat Zucchelli (as all his team mates call him, although he doesn’t like to bring it up) was forced into some typically unorthodox saves. One save, palming the ball away after a deflected shot, has been described as ‘world-class’ by some, and replays do indeed prove it may have been one of the best saves of all time. Despite the omnipotent shot-stopper, OHMC did break through, their striker turning neatly a-la Mario Gomez and slotting in the top corner. Luckily, Jack was not done scoring for the half so he brought his personal and team’s tally to 4 before the break, slotting his finish through the keeper’s legs. Melee were unable to convert further chances, with Dave smashing a shot against the bar and firing a shot wide, and Foz and Pils forcing good saves from the keeper. As the saying goes, football is a game of two halves. This is also literally true, so the teams took a quick break and changed ends, as is tradition. Melee started the second half poorly, conceding early on, as is also tradition. The little guy who had spent the first half in goal found himself with room to shoot and slotted it in the near post Fabio had kindly left gaping wide open for him. At 4-2 Melee’s heads noticeably dropped, resulting in less movement (including backwards towards our goal to defend) and Her Majesty’s Tail was up (insert crude comment here). Melee were regularly outnumbered at the back and, were it not for wasteful dallying on the ball, they could have scored more freely. Fabio then inexplicably decided to roll the ball out to a OHMC player, who then created a goal scoring opportunity which was dispatched through the keeper’ legs. Melee were still creating chances, but were resorting to shots from range in the main, and the fluid interplay of the first half dissipated somewhat as confidence gradually sapped. OHMC equalised with a deflected shot in the bottom corner, and Melee realised positive action was now required. The tempo picked up as urgency ensued, but a very unlucky goal involving a massive deflection from Dave spoiled the party and OHMC went up 5-4. A late poked close range effort by Jack was well saved and at 10pm the switching off of the floodlights brought a symbolic damp squib end to a compelling and ultimately impressive season of highs, lows and no-shows.

Melee get it right as caretaker manager makes his mark

Melee produced a resolute performance in a season of adversity to finally beat their arch rivals Buckies Up 4-3. Buckies dominated possession as well as creating a succession of chances - but it was Melee who came out on top to give interim manager Chris Pils’ side their first victory against their opponents in eight times of asking. Melee’s victory tasting ever so sweet for Pils and Dell, as the last game against Buckies earlier in the season, they were Melee’s only first team players available for selection and were on the end of a 13-2 drubbing. It wasn’t all plain sailing, Melee were forced to mount a resilient rearguard action in the face of Buckies famous passing "carousel", but Moss (2) and Dell (1) converted their chances in addition to a slice of good fortune with a Buckies own goal, to reward the outstanding defensive work of Pils, Foz and Fabio in keeping key players short, blonde haired guy and short, dark haired guy at bay. A tight first opening, Melee were playing deep and deploying the usual half court press, the brain child of Kevin Webb, that works so well against the formidable opposition. It was Buckies who got an early breakthrough though, taking the lead. Melee, knowing they had to score, got a slice of luck when a high ball went up on the edge of the box. Dell, leapt up to head the ball over the oncoming keeper, but before he could make contact, a horrible barge from behind by the Buckies defender meant he was floored. However, this seemed to work in Melee’s favour – in the process the ball coming off the defender and looping into the exposed net to level the match 1-1 going into half time. Fabio in goal was peppered with efforts from distance, but the Melee No. 1 was more than equal, even with one glove – all that could be resourced before the game. Second half, and the strong tackles became more frequent as Melee started to exert some physical strength. Pils and Foz were disciplined, letting Dell commit all the fouls. Buckies, emotionless, carried on regardless and took the lead once more, the tall black haired striker working some space to prod home from distance into the bottom left of the Melee goal. However, Melee, who have had a tough season by their own standards, refused to lie down and they hit back instantly from kick off, as Moss took things into his own hands with a fantastic running barge and dribble – ending up with him slotting home to make the score 2-2. A great Melee debut for the lad, and an inspirational transfer by Pils. Again Melee caught Buckies cold, Foz playing in Pils who punted from distance, his effort coming off the post and rebounding kindly at the feet of Moss who converted again. Buckies began to pour forward relentlessly, searching for another goal. Melee legs were tired, and Dells incapability to tackle was becoming more and more apparent as Buckies were awarded with free kick after free kick. No one knows how the lad didn’t get himself booked. Fabio was making smart stops from shots raining in from all angles (including a huge ‘one for the cameras’ dive, tuck and roll), although left with little options for distribution the ball was returning far too quick. For all their incessant attacking, Buckies left spaces at the back, and these were exposed when Pils took a throw in quickly, rolling the ball through to Dell, who side footed the ball on the bounce past the keeper to give Melee a dream two goal lead. Melee were pushed right back into their own territory as Buckies probed and passed for an opening, it was backs to the walls stuff, Foz throwing his body on the line to defend with some heroic last ditch blocks on more than one occasion. Dell spurned two great openings, and was fortunate not to pay the ultimate price. Melee fans had a nail biting final few minutes as Buckies managed to pull a goal back, 4-3, but it was too little too late, as Melee did all they could to wrap the game up by booting the ball away from goal in every direction. In the end, Melee’s organisation and discipline was rewarded but Pils knows they will have to produce the same - and more besides - in the last two games of the campaign to salvage their difficult season.