Melee emphatically smash Cervix, lose interest after penetrating for 15 minutes and leave unsatisfied with premature performance

The last game of the season dawned on the mighty Melee with the opportunity to claim automatic Champions League qualification up for grabs. The pre-game pub training camp revealed the opposition’s preparatory tactics, which took its inspiration from professional athletes: drinking lager. Yep, Andy Fordham was a professional athlete. Fact. Once all members of Melee had reluctantly dragged themselves away from the Germany Holland match and things kicked off, the team started pretty well, zipping the ball around with assurance. Dave returned to action at the last minute due to Adam’s work operating in a US time zone. The all-action Melee maestro had been missed and was welcomed back after an ankle injury, particularly after guaranteeing a goal scoring return to play. Melee continued to dominate Her Majesty in a way only Prince Phillip could claim to have acheived, and soon Jack slotted in a neat close range finish after excellent build up play. One became two shortly afterwards, Jack firing a cleanly struck shot from the right into the far post after good work from Pils, Dave and Foz (I’m not going to lie, I can’t remember who passed to who, but I’m sure you all played a vital role). A third followed, Jack bagging a hat trick after intricate build up play from, um, Pils, Dave and Foz. By this point Her Majesty’s Cervix were so exposed her uterus was practically showing, but they did test Melee’s defence from time to time, and Fabio The Cat Zucchelli (as all his team mates call him, although he doesn’t like to bring it up) was forced into some typically unorthodox saves. One save, palming the ball away after a deflected shot, has been described as ‘world-class’ by some, and replays do indeed prove it may have been one of the best saves of all time. Despite the omnipotent shot-stopper, OHMC did break through, their striker turning neatly a-la Mario Gomez and slotting in the top corner. Luckily, Jack was not done scoring for the half so he brought his personal and team’s tally to 4 before the break, slotting his finish through the keeper’s legs. Melee were unable to convert further chances, with Dave smashing a shot against the bar and firing a shot wide, and Foz and Pils forcing good saves from the keeper. As the saying goes, football is a game of two halves. This is also literally true, so the teams took a quick break and changed ends, as is tradition. Melee started the second half poorly, conceding early on, as is also tradition. The little guy who had spent the first half in goal found himself with room to shoot and slotted it in the near post Fabio had kindly left gaping wide open for him. At 4-2 Melee’s heads noticeably dropped, resulting in less movement (including backwards towards our goal to defend) and Her Majesty’s Tail was up (insert crude comment here). Melee were regularly outnumbered at the back and, were it not for wasteful dallying on the ball, they could have scored more freely. Fabio then inexplicably decided to roll the ball out to a OHMC player, who then created a goal scoring opportunity which was dispatched through the keeper’ legs. Melee were still creating chances, but were resorting to shots from range in the main, and the fluid interplay of the first half dissipated somewhat as confidence gradually sapped. OHMC equalised with a deflected shot in the bottom corner, and Melee realised positive action was now required. The tempo picked up as urgency ensued, but a very unlucky goal involving a massive deflection from Dave spoiled the party and OHMC went up 5-4. A late poked close range effort by Jack was well saved and at 10pm the switching off of the floodlights brought a symbolic damp squib end to a compelling and ultimately impressive season of highs, lows and no-shows.